Poetry: The Persistance of Musing

As many of my friends know, and now some of you here will know, I am Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and the host of too many phobias. I wrote this poem back in March of 2014. It describes what I go through taking medication for my mental illnesses and still strive to write. I hope you enjoy.

The Persistence of Musing

Oh these bitter pills!
I am divorced
divorced from all my demons
but my muse too!
And then the silence
the unbearable din of silence
so loud, so loud
my ears ring from its Delphian melody
I grow accustomed to the dead air
a synthetic lull —
days become weeks and then months
the delicate balancing of my brain
a tight-rope act — ever so careful
and I wait

Slowly my mind acclimates
and the silence becomes stillness
the din, white noise — Hushed sighs
I hear you breathing
these bitter pills have not murdered you
but I strain against the fog
for each murmur you utter
Oh Catharine!
And there you are, my fallen angel
my dark child
Your words soak into my bones
softly, quickly — you have much to say
for beating against your wings, frenzied
the demonic bats await

And the cycle begins anew
I swallow more pills
brace for the cacophony of silence
the numbness of calm
the peace, I am assured will come
and I mourn the loss of your sighs
your tranquil whispers —
but I know you will keep trying
and I will reach for your voice
over and over and over again
’til death overshadows me

(c) 2014 Lori Carlson

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